The Garden Report

secret government name for SEX

From this point on, every reference to the sexperiment will open with “The Garden Report”. This is code for “HEY brother!! HEY! I’m about to talk about sex with my husband and I know that this makes you want to vomit on your dog’s head so you can stop reading as soon as the spirit moves you.” It ain’t about flowers....

THE GARDEN REPORT

and the events leading up to “gardening”

Leonidas and I went on a date last night. That IS what you do before planned sex, right? I even showered. My mom, after being out of town with the dad for two weeks, was actually willing to babysit the spawn on purpose, without getting paid, for a few hours while we painted the town. Painting the town at this point in life means dinner and a movie, hopefully the ENTIRE movie with both parties still awake at the end. No one gets mad though if one happens to doze for a quick minute. We have an understanding ‘cause our kids suck our life juice. We had dinner at a cute little Italian restaurant where I devoured yet more lettuce and chicken, but with a kick arse dressing. It’s nice to mix the SBD (last time, South Beach Diet for all my new friends) up sometimes....dressing change ups have started to make me feel all wild and crazy! (Only those of you familiar with the SBD will have any freakin’ clue what I’m talkin’ about. The rest of you, welcome to my world. Sorry, it doesn’t get any better.) I’m rambling....

We saw WANTEDwith Angelina “my face is hot but my body looks like I’ve missed a couple of years on the food train” Jolie and the little dude from Atonement, James McAvoy. Oh, almost forgot Morgan Freeman. I normally tend to lean toward dramas and documentaries, not so much the shoot ‘em, blow things up genre. But I WAS on a date with Mr. Incredible, and did I mention that Angelina Jolie was in this? Again I digress....The reviews from this movie have been fairly decent, with a glowing report on a morning radio show being the deciding factor in our viewing pleasure choice. Keep in mind that living secret government lives, we like guns. The bigger the better, baby. This movie S.U.C.K.E.D. I do not care if you all see it and want to have WANTED’s baby, you will never convince me that it was worth my free ticket. What I’m trying to say here is that I didn’t like it. I MIGHT still be reeling from WALL-E love, and that’s all right. He’s worth it. God I love that robot. Moving on... we leave said movie (BOTH yawning) and proceed quietly to the driving home part of the date. The sexperiment has been the big fat elephant standing on my head the entire time, so I kick it in the butt and say something along the lines of “Honey, let’s just do it.” How romantic. As it usually goes with sex and the gym, once you get the “ball rolling” so to speak, it was worth the sweat. That’s all I’ll say about that for the moment, as I fear my brother may have continued reading on to the end. If you need more details, you just might need help that I can’t offer you. Yellow pages. Therapist. It’s time.

100 days to go!

Allow Me To Introduce….My Breakfast

Today I had breakfast in bed. It’s not my birthday. I did not bestow upon my husband any “unusual” favors in the wee hours before a.m. inside our den of love. It was just morning. So imagine my surprise when I heard the fridge open, packages rattling, microwave humming, and all of the beautiful noises that go along with “I don’t have to make my South Beach Diet spinach and eggs today!!! Hot damn!” Big Papa’s in the kitchen…..

Not wanting to spoil the surprise, I waited. I mean, I know that I am completely awesome. I know this because not long ago, I completely sucked. My mommying was tolerable, but the wife part, you know….not so much. HOWEVAH, since I came to the decision that my life has been beautiful for such a long time and I had just needed to take my dumb ass bitch goggles off, I’ve been pulling my weight around this place. Dinner and all. This is why I assumed I deserved this blessed breakfast in bed. Add to that the fact that I just finished a school year with 90 crazy children that I love, only to jump back into full time SAHM duty, without a day off in between for eating bon bons while sitting on my just tanned ass, a 3 hour mani/pedi, a massage with Sven, and 2 bottles of rare red wine with my 100 famous friends. ( You ALL know that’s what teachers AND SAHM’s do, right!?? Bite me.) I could not WAIT! So what if it was made with the same shit that’s been in our fridge for a week. Who CARES!? I ain’t cookin’ it! I snuggled back into the pillow that was still damp with my drool, dreaming up the nice words I would shower upon Leonidas as he hands me my gilded breakfast tray laden with morning presents. Then he walks out of the bathroom wrapped in a towel. Him. Leonidas. Out of the BATHROOM. Huh? Wha…. He does recon in the kitchen after hearing the same ruckus, only to duck back in a moment later. He wasn’t splattered with blood, and there was no dead body to bury in the backyard Mr. and Mrs. Smith style, so I assumed that we knew the person creating the kitchen noise. He is smiling. He tells me to lie down and close my eyes. Now keep in mind, those words, coming from his mouth, can never be bad, but this time was a little different. And it was daytime. Early. You pervs…..Geez.

The door opens slowly, and I peek because I can’t help it. Freddy the five-year-old creeps in silent ninja style, wearing his little white drawstring pajama pants that I love so much (I think it’s because they’re spotted with black and white TVs) and a smile. He is carrying a single white plate. “I made you breakfast, mommy! I did it all by myself! I didn’t have the fish sticks and chocolate sauce with cheese like the last time I made it, but I think this will be okay for your south diet on the beach.” My heart freakin’ melted. In my life I have never had a sweeter breakfast than that mini whole wheat bagel sprinkled with 2% cheese and a ripped off corner of Canadian bacon with the fingerprints still on it. He even nuked it for a perfect 20 seconds. I swear to God, Wolfgang Puck couldn’t have done it better….