Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Planting Interrupted

Wednesday, July, 9, 2008
We threw the flag last night without saying a word. I think I mentioned in the beginning of the sexperiment that each party was allowed a "pass" night. I assumed these were for that first day/night of welcoming the friend of the month which turns me into a bitch in heels. I did not take into account those days/nights where we just didn't like each other. Keep in mind that I love Leo ALL the time, but you know the times I speak of. Those times when you would rather stick a shovel up your nostril and fall face first on broken glass than have sex. God, that sounded awful. Still true though. It doesn't help that I am in the middle of a funk. It happens from time to time, and tends to fade away within a few days, but at this moment it is still here, I am still miserable. It doesn't take much for me to throw myself into a dramatic downward spiral, imagining that I live a life of secret suffering. It makes me so incredibly tired. Take this time. I realized recently (while swimsuit shopping, which makes it even worse) lthat I can't afford a new wardrobe at the beginning of each season. I mean, I can get a few things here and there, but I don't get to fly to Paris to sit the front row at fashion shows, racking up hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of pricey, "barely there" material that tells the world, "Hey look! She must be SPECIAL!" Go figure. After that revelation, I then start thinking of every little thing in my life that isn't exactly perfect. I magnify it x 100 and there you have it, and here we are. Take that into account and you will see why last night was not sexperiment friendly. Leo was irritated with Freddy because he never wants to sleep, even when he's sleepy. He never wants to listen though we desperately want him to. He attempts to negotiate EVERYTHING including things already in his favor. It is exhausting. Leo simply wants calm. He desires to come home and be able to relax once or twice a week without a battle of wills with a 5-year-old. During daylight hours, after the storm, I get it. Last night I didn't. I tend to shift to defensive mommy stance, excusing crappy behavior with a "He/she is tired. Papa and gramma gave them WAYYY too much sugar. They're only 5/3"....catch my drift? It doesn't make for an evening of pleasant partnership when I tend to always side with the tots. So here we are. In usual form, I will think quite a bit today, sulk a while, reason with myself and basically over analyze every word that has been uttered out of Leo's mouth for the past 5 years. Why? Who knows? That's just the way I work.


Becca said...

Been there! The best relationship advice I ever got was from my mom. She said Love is a decision, not just an emotion. It helps me through those times when I want to slay my husband. I remember I decided to love him and he lives for another day.

Mommy of Mayhem said...

That was actually WONDERFUL IS a decision, and sometimes I have to get inside my own head to clear it out.